Magazine Article published in Destiny Magazine, February 2012
Celebrating a decade in your life – making an accomplishment list
Written by Ishara Maharaj
With our increasingly busy lifestyles, it’s seldom that we can steal a quiet moment to reflect on life. Days turn into months, then years. Before we know it, a decade has flashed by. On those rare occasions of reflection, the first question that often pops into mind is: What have I achieved in my life? This question inevitably leads to damaging negative self-talk.
Researchers agree that it has become habitual through societal conditioning to berate one’s self rather than celebrate one’s accomplishments. Bennie Louw, owner of Metaphore Life Coaching is a qualified Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, life coach and certified
hypnotherapist. Louw explains that we are often kept in check by our parents, families and peers who talk us down to the point where we no longer believe there is any potential left in us. Many of these negative remarks end up informing our self-belief systems. These beliefs are further exacerbated by the constant strive for perfection portrayed in the outer world.
What is positive inner reflection?
Inner reflection is not just the simple act of discoveringpast mistakes and making up for these, explains Louw. “The ultimate objective is the development of a more positive self and becoming truly authentic from within you. This inner reflection does not mean that you do not see the flaws; it only means that the way that you look at it changes.”
Louw describes inner reflection as building a bridge between the conscious and unconscious mind, allowing for all the powerful wisdom from within to surface. He uses hypnotherapy as a tool to access these inner resources and break through the limitations of the conscious mind. “You have all the resources you will ever need within and all you need to do is allow yourself to access that part of you. One of the presuppositions of NLP is: ‘There is no such thing as failure, only feedback’. Would that not be a better way to reflect?” asserts Louw.
Practising positive inner reflection
Louw states that the first step to reflect deeper within, is to become more aware of old beliefs and negative self-talk. “Everything starts with a thought, so begin to change your thoughts. Focus on the things that you want in a positive way, moving towards something, rather than just merely away from something bad.” In his practice of hypnotherapy and NLP coaching, Louw uses
the process of visualisation – envisioning the achievement of one’s goals and the thoughts and feelings associated with picturing that successful version of oneself. He provides a simple tool called ‘anchoring’ to encourage positive reflection.
“When you change the way you look at the past, the future will change. Thinking of the past in a different way becomes the key to the future, using the energy of past accomplishments to motivate the now.
· Start by making a list of all the positive events in your life.
· Take note of the inherent needs that were fulfilled in these highlights and list them.
· Now connect with the positive feelings of these events and anchor those strong positive
feelings. Having connected with these positive thoughts you now have a powerful tool to use whenever you need to feel better and to ultimately fulfil your needs,” says Louw.
Remember that whilst some of us may celebrate graduating with top marks from university, others may put down mastering the art of cooking as a stellar achievement. The key is not to belittle anything that you have accomplished. Overcoming any issue perceived as a challenge is a milestone worth celebrating. So go on and bring out the party hats. You’ve certainly done
something amazing.
Case Studies: Women celebrating their lives
Yolanda Mthembu, 26 – Biochemist, UCT
Challenge faced:
For three years, Mthembu was verbally and emotionally abused by a family member. Although she describes herself as a mentally strong person with a sober personality, her greatest life challenge came in learning to forgive that family member.
“Taking the abuse made me appreciate the words I myself use. I had to learn to let go of the bitterness for the sake of my children,” she says.
Lessons learnt:
Through forgiveness, Mthembu has learnt to be true to herself and to cherish her family. Mthembu now lives her life by having a grateful heart. She questions her actions on a multi-generational level by thinking about her children and their future.
Celebrating life:
“Whatever you do, do your best. Enjoy every moment – even if you’re doing simple things like cooking or playing with your children. And, walk in forgiveness for people who’ve hurt you or made mistakes. There’s always room for forgiveness in our hearts.”
Simisha Pather-Elias, 31 - Climate change consultant & executive assistant at Botanical Society of South Africa
Challenge faced:
At age 25 when Pather-Elias was focused on her career ambitions, an unexpected aggressive inflammation attacked her eyes as well as the skin around her body. Doctors could not diagnose the illness but many of the tests suggested that it was life threatening.
Lessons learnt:
Although Pather-Elias is still dealing with the side-effects of the harsh medication that she had to take, as well as developing cataracts in both her eyes, she considers the experience a blessing in disguise. “The experience was a turning point in my life. It’s been a time for deep introspection, re-evaluating all the areas of my life and myself. Although I am still on my journey, I have made peace with many issues and have a more positive outlook on life,” she says.
Celebrating life:
Pather-Elias currently lives her life by five pillars - to share, learn, teach, grow and mostly to love. She feels that it is important to engage more deeply with philosophy and spirituality in order to learn about her purpose in life. “I have learnt not to take anything for granted, especially time. Life is too short to do anything that you don’t want to do or shouldn’t have to do. I have had a mind shift about many things in my life. Simply put, nothing is a burden anymore.”
Saturday, March 17, 2012
My Published Works
Magazine Article published in Destiny Magazine, Dec. 2010
There is more to work than the 9-to-5?: The changing meaning of work
By Ishara Maharaj
In a country ripe with entrepreneurial opportunities there is a growing group of women packing up their belongings and walking out of the corporate world. While many graduates and professionals aspire to climb the corporate ladder alongside their male counterparts, other women are sick of office politics, bureaucracy and lack of flexibility in a typical 9-to-5 job. They are searching for a new meaning to the concept of work. A new phenomenon is arising where more women are taking a leap of faith out of the corporate jungle to explore other forms
of work. And they are exuding excitement about the possibilities even before they have finalised all the details.
If one considers that an average person spends at least 35 years of their lifetime at work, re-evaluating one’s working life is worth paying attention to. Whilst most South Africans would not consider quitting their jobs without having another, particularly in this age characterised by cutbacks and retrenchments, some individuals believe that the potential outside the stresses of the corporate office is well worth the risk. Underpinned by the support of their partners,
families and friends, here are the stories of two young women contemplating their changing meaning of work.
Sahara Swarup*, 30 held well-paying employment as a corporate manager at a JSE- listed retailer. She resigned for two reasons.
“I was fed up with the red tape associated with colleagues and managers, all of whom had hidden agendas. Everybody was willing to back-stab another or pass off other colleague’s work as their own. All in the name of climbing the corporate ladder. This went against my morals and ethics. I also had a very unpredictable manager. I used to have to judge her moods before approaching her on work matters. She constantly switched between praise and utter damnation of my work. The final straw came when my work stress affected my health and I had had two miscarriages. There was no sympathy for my physical and emotional state yet my team was an all women one,” explains Swarup.
Swarup realised that she possessed an arsenal of skills and experience to allow her to freelance as a facilitator and writer. Her husband was initially concerned over her financial situation. Having two decent salaries allowed them to save money for retirement and have a few holidays and luxuries. But the long-term benefits of working for oneself and the benefit of less stress in the event of a subsequent pregnancy swayed their decision. She capitalised on her networks and
the professional relationships that she had built over the years to build herself a new portfolio. But Swarup admits that it wasn’t easy.
“Make no mistake, its hard work putting yourself out there as a freelancer. And the money doesn’t just flow in after your first month. So we had to do a bit of re-shuffling on the financial
side. But I do believe that all good things take time to build and I will be better off in the long run. The power of the internet has allowed me to stay in touch with so many of my colleagues, so whenever I feel like I need a bit of encouragement or advice, I sign on to a chat application.”
Swarup refers to the psychological definition of her generation; Generation Y and says that she is living up to that definition by searching for alternatives to the traditional means of work.
“My freedom from the corporate environment is in itself the best feeling in the world. The past year has allowed me to reflect on my place in society – sort of the proverbial “coming-of-age” – and I have realised that I will never be a corporate animal. Knowing this and understanding exactly what I don’t want for a career is enough motivation to allow me to explore the world of freelance work and entrepreneurship. I know that there is hard work up ahead but I am more confident in myself and my abilities than I ever was in the office environment. I am also excited about the personal targets that I have set for my work so I have something concrete to aim for,” says Swarup.
A similar scenario ensued for Gill Richardson*, 31 last year. Richardson was a human resources consultant at one of SA’s leading health and beauty retailers.
“The people I worked with made me most unhappy, particularly the women I reported to. There was a constant need to conform and be someone other than myself. Putting on an act every day drained my energy. The women I worked with were consumed by their jobs. If I even considered going home before 7pm, I was considered weak. Just to rub it in, the next day I was forced to hear about how they stayed at work until 10pm to get their work done. This made me realise
that there was no work-life balance in my work team,” says Richardson.
Richardson explained that she was becoming a different person whilst trying to fit in to her corporate environment. A divorce followed by the loss of her grandmother prompted her to
re-evaluate her life.
“I realised that life was too short to try and fit into an environment that I clearly wasn’t built for. I had lost my sense of humour and I was stressed out all the time. What was worse was that
my family started to notice the negative changes in me. This led me to hand in the resignation letter,” explains Richardson.
She is currently working with her partner in his business and has also started a small baking business with her mother.
“It’s an exciting time to be able to try out business ideas that I have always had in the back of my mind. I was really pleased when the baking orders started coming in. Although trying to start a new business can be stressful, I am much happier and more peaceful than I was in the corporate world. I am doing it for myself and I am enjoying every minute of my work time. I believe that that is the key to my success.”
It may have taken these two women stressful work situations and consequent overflow into their personal lives to warrant contemplation about other means of work. One thing is for certain –
many more men and women are contemplating the same notions. Whilst contemporary
South African organisations are working on less hierarchical structures and more employee flexibility, the majority of big business is slow to change towards work-life friendly benefits for its employees. This leaves a lot more stressed out, unhappy workers and the subsequent search for alternatives to traditional working roles are on the rise.
The shifting meaning of work
Recent studies confirm that the meaning of work for the average employee is steadily shifting. As employment equity policies have allowed for more women to excel in the corporate world,
many of these women are realising the existence of another mind shift. South Africa has fast transformed into a land of entrepreneurial opportunities. More and more workers are realising that the application of their business acumen outside the corporate boardroom may get them further in life. For many, the search for meaningful work has led to their personal discovery of more purposeful and passionate contributions to society.
Apart from organisational bureaucracy, more employees are faced with the threat of retrenchment in today’s turbulent times. This has further exacerbated the need for a
creative outlook on traditional ideas of work. Linda Naiman, author of Creativity and the Meaning of Work1 explains that as large industries fall prey to economic downturns, we as
individuals are forced to re-evaluate our career and work needs, putting our values first.
“There is a yearning to align life purpose with work to make it meaningful. The Buddhists call this Dharma, spiritual work, the vehicle for Spirit to express its blessing. It is both inner work, remembering our true Self, and outer work, the expression of our unique talents and role in the evolution of humanity. Work is meaningful when we add to the quality of life to those around us. Work is a vehicle for our creations to be a blessing to the world,” says Naiman.
Professor Estelle Morin2, psychologist and professor in Organisational Behaviour at the HEC institute, University of Montreal, described work as meaningful with the following characteristics:
Work is meaningful when:
Established rules and duties are followed from moral and spiritual values
It is enjoyable to the employee since it relates to her fields of interest or motivates her
potential to reach work objectives
It enables employees to use their problem-solving or decision-making abilities so that she may feel more involved in her work
Her talents are recognised
The development of positive professional relationships is encouraged, and
It is done responsibly, not just when it is being implemented, but in terms of the end products or
consequences.
Morin is quick to exclaim that the quest for meaningful work is as subjective as the quest for the meaning of life. Here are some factors to consider if you are currently evaluating your
working life.
Safe and healthy working conditions – Consider your physical work environment, work
hours, salary and benefits
Purpose – Is there a sense to your work? Do you have direction in your work?
Ethical behaviours – Consider if you view your work with shame or guilt or with pride and dignity. Are the processes and results of your work morally acceptable to you?
Self-efficacy – Can you complete your work in an effective way? Are you proud of the way
in which you have achieved your work results?
Adjustable work load – This factor can be viewed on the physical, mental and emotional planes. Are you provided with clear direction, sufficient resources and proper feedback for your work?
Pleasure – We’re not talking about the pleasure you may get from leisurely activities. Do you enjoy doing your work or some components thereof? Are there any fun aspects to your work?
Autonomy – Do you have some control over the implementation of your work tasks? Can
you use your special talents or judgement to solve work-related issues?
Support – Do you have the support of your colleagues or managers when needed? The
support of one’s co-workers or seniors is an important buffer against the negative impacts of stress.
Recognition – Are your talents and competencies recognised and respected by others? This is a part of human existence to be accepted by others.
Positive relationships promoted – Working in a team or having the opportunity to meet and interact with other people is another existential need to be in relation with others and to belong to a social group.
Professor Morin calls on society to change perspectives on the concept of work. She suggests that work be viewed, not as a social duty or economic necessity, but rather as an opportunity to create and recreate ourselves through these ten factors that make our work meaningful.
There is no doubt that changes in the post-modern working world will force us to recreate our beliefs about work. It is up to us to take the leap out of traditional methods and avenues and step into new dimensions. We can only do this with a clearer understanding of what we value in life and how we plan to merge those values into our working lives.
1. Information from website http://www.creativityatwork.com/articlesContent/meaning.htm
2. Article: The meaning of work in modern times – Estelle M.
Morin, Ph.D., Professor, HEC Montreal, and psychologist. Presented at the 10th
World Congress of Human Resources Management, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, August,
20th, 2004.
*Not their real names.
There is more to work than the 9-to-5?: The changing meaning of work
By Ishara Maharaj
In a country ripe with entrepreneurial opportunities there is a growing group of women packing up their belongings and walking out of the corporate world. While many graduates and professionals aspire to climb the corporate ladder alongside their male counterparts, other women are sick of office politics, bureaucracy and lack of flexibility in a typical 9-to-5 job. They are searching for a new meaning to the concept of work. A new phenomenon is arising where more women are taking a leap of faith out of the corporate jungle to explore other forms
of work. And they are exuding excitement about the possibilities even before they have finalised all the details.
If one considers that an average person spends at least 35 years of their lifetime at work, re-evaluating one’s working life is worth paying attention to. Whilst most South Africans would not consider quitting their jobs without having another, particularly in this age characterised by cutbacks and retrenchments, some individuals believe that the potential outside the stresses of the corporate office is well worth the risk. Underpinned by the support of their partners,
families and friends, here are the stories of two young women contemplating their changing meaning of work.
Sahara Swarup*, 30 held well-paying employment as a corporate manager at a JSE- listed retailer. She resigned for two reasons.
“I was fed up with the red tape associated with colleagues and managers, all of whom had hidden agendas. Everybody was willing to back-stab another or pass off other colleague’s work as their own. All in the name of climbing the corporate ladder. This went against my morals and ethics. I also had a very unpredictable manager. I used to have to judge her moods before approaching her on work matters. She constantly switched between praise and utter damnation of my work. The final straw came when my work stress affected my health and I had had two miscarriages. There was no sympathy for my physical and emotional state yet my team was an all women one,” explains Swarup.
Swarup realised that she possessed an arsenal of skills and experience to allow her to freelance as a facilitator and writer. Her husband was initially concerned over her financial situation. Having two decent salaries allowed them to save money for retirement and have a few holidays and luxuries. But the long-term benefits of working for oneself and the benefit of less stress in the event of a subsequent pregnancy swayed their decision. She capitalised on her networks and
the professional relationships that she had built over the years to build herself a new portfolio. But Swarup admits that it wasn’t easy.
“Make no mistake, its hard work putting yourself out there as a freelancer. And the money doesn’t just flow in after your first month. So we had to do a bit of re-shuffling on the financial
side. But I do believe that all good things take time to build and I will be better off in the long run. The power of the internet has allowed me to stay in touch with so many of my colleagues, so whenever I feel like I need a bit of encouragement or advice, I sign on to a chat application.”
Swarup refers to the psychological definition of her generation; Generation Y and says that she is living up to that definition by searching for alternatives to the traditional means of work.
“My freedom from the corporate environment is in itself the best feeling in the world. The past year has allowed me to reflect on my place in society – sort of the proverbial “coming-of-age” – and I have realised that I will never be a corporate animal. Knowing this and understanding exactly what I don’t want for a career is enough motivation to allow me to explore the world of freelance work and entrepreneurship. I know that there is hard work up ahead but I am more confident in myself and my abilities than I ever was in the office environment. I am also excited about the personal targets that I have set for my work so I have something concrete to aim for,” says Swarup.
A similar scenario ensued for Gill Richardson*, 31 last year. Richardson was a human resources consultant at one of SA’s leading health and beauty retailers.
“The people I worked with made me most unhappy, particularly the women I reported to. There was a constant need to conform and be someone other than myself. Putting on an act every day drained my energy. The women I worked with were consumed by their jobs. If I even considered going home before 7pm, I was considered weak. Just to rub it in, the next day I was forced to hear about how they stayed at work until 10pm to get their work done. This made me realise
that there was no work-life balance in my work team,” says Richardson.
Richardson explained that she was becoming a different person whilst trying to fit in to her corporate environment. A divorce followed by the loss of her grandmother prompted her to
re-evaluate her life.
“I realised that life was too short to try and fit into an environment that I clearly wasn’t built for. I had lost my sense of humour and I was stressed out all the time. What was worse was that
my family started to notice the negative changes in me. This led me to hand in the resignation letter,” explains Richardson.
She is currently working with her partner in his business and has also started a small baking business with her mother.
“It’s an exciting time to be able to try out business ideas that I have always had in the back of my mind. I was really pleased when the baking orders started coming in. Although trying to start a new business can be stressful, I am much happier and more peaceful than I was in the corporate world. I am doing it for myself and I am enjoying every minute of my work time. I believe that that is the key to my success.”
It may have taken these two women stressful work situations and consequent overflow into their personal lives to warrant contemplation about other means of work. One thing is for certain –
many more men and women are contemplating the same notions. Whilst contemporary
South African organisations are working on less hierarchical structures and more employee flexibility, the majority of big business is slow to change towards work-life friendly benefits for its employees. This leaves a lot more stressed out, unhappy workers and the subsequent search for alternatives to traditional working roles are on the rise.
The shifting meaning of work
Recent studies confirm that the meaning of work for the average employee is steadily shifting. As employment equity policies have allowed for more women to excel in the corporate world,
many of these women are realising the existence of another mind shift. South Africa has fast transformed into a land of entrepreneurial opportunities. More and more workers are realising that the application of their business acumen outside the corporate boardroom may get them further in life. For many, the search for meaningful work has led to their personal discovery of more purposeful and passionate contributions to society.
Apart from organisational bureaucracy, more employees are faced with the threat of retrenchment in today’s turbulent times. This has further exacerbated the need for a
creative outlook on traditional ideas of work. Linda Naiman, author of Creativity and the Meaning of Work1 explains that as large industries fall prey to economic downturns, we as
individuals are forced to re-evaluate our career and work needs, putting our values first.
“There is a yearning to align life purpose with work to make it meaningful. The Buddhists call this Dharma, spiritual work, the vehicle for Spirit to express its blessing. It is both inner work, remembering our true Self, and outer work, the expression of our unique talents and role in the evolution of humanity. Work is meaningful when we add to the quality of life to those around us. Work is a vehicle for our creations to be a blessing to the world,” says Naiman.
Professor Estelle Morin2, psychologist and professor in Organisational Behaviour at the HEC institute, University of Montreal, described work as meaningful with the following characteristics:
Work is meaningful when:
Established rules and duties are followed from moral and spiritual values
It is enjoyable to the employee since it relates to her fields of interest or motivates her
potential to reach work objectives
It enables employees to use their problem-solving or decision-making abilities so that she may feel more involved in her work
Her talents are recognised
The development of positive professional relationships is encouraged, and
It is done responsibly, not just when it is being implemented, but in terms of the end products or
consequences.
Morin is quick to exclaim that the quest for meaningful work is as subjective as the quest for the meaning of life. Here are some factors to consider if you are currently evaluating your
working life.
Safe and healthy working conditions – Consider your physical work environment, work
hours, salary and benefits
Purpose – Is there a sense to your work? Do you have direction in your work?
Ethical behaviours – Consider if you view your work with shame or guilt or with pride and dignity. Are the processes and results of your work morally acceptable to you?
Self-efficacy – Can you complete your work in an effective way? Are you proud of the way
in which you have achieved your work results?
Adjustable work load – This factor can be viewed on the physical, mental and emotional planes. Are you provided with clear direction, sufficient resources and proper feedback for your work?
Pleasure – We’re not talking about the pleasure you may get from leisurely activities. Do you enjoy doing your work or some components thereof? Are there any fun aspects to your work?
Autonomy – Do you have some control over the implementation of your work tasks? Can
you use your special talents or judgement to solve work-related issues?
Support – Do you have the support of your colleagues or managers when needed? The
support of one’s co-workers or seniors is an important buffer against the negative impacts of stress.
Recognition – Are your talents and competencies recognised and respected by others? This is a part of human existence to be accepted by others.
Positive relationships promoted – Working in a team or having the opportunity to meet and interact with other people is another existential need to be in relation with others and to belong to a social group.
Professor Morin calls on society to change perspectives on the concept of work. She suggests that work be viewed, not as a social duty or economic necessity, but rather as an opportunity to create and recreate ourselves through these ten factors that make our work meaningful.
There is no doubt that changes in the post-modern working world will force us to recreate our beliefs about work. It is up to us to take the leap out of traditional methods and avenues and step into new dimensions. We can only do this with a clearer understanding of what we value in life and how we plan to merge those values into our working lives.
1. Information from website http://www.creativityatwork.com/articlesContent/meaning.htm
2. Article: The meaning of work in modern times – Estelle M.
Morin, Ph.D., Professor, HEC Montreal, and psychologist. Presented at the 10th
World Congress of Human Resources Management, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, August,
20th, 2004.
*Not their real names.
My Published Works
Magazine Article written for Your Pregnancy Magazine, 2010
Mind Gym : Miscarriage and the Green-Eyed Monster
By Ishara Maharaj
Every year, thousands of women experience miscarriage. There’s no question that it is a disappointment like no other. As difficult as it can be, women get through it with the support
of their partners, families and close friends. Then one day, grief is replaced by a renewed positive outlook on pregnancy and the cycle of ovulation and fertility charting resumes. For a lucky few, the wait is not too long and a subsequent pregnancy brings joy once more. But for others, the wait becomes unbearable.
For months, these women watch their cycles and calculate ovulations only to be disappointed when Aunty Flo arrives. What happens to these women in their social circles? It is often the case that a group of friends are trying to conceive at similar times in their lives. So it’s little wonder that when all your friends are pregnant - except you - the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head.
Of course, you are happy for them, but it feels like they are rubbing it in your face and you just can‘t help your jealousy.
I speak from personal experience. Having miscarried at eleven weeks in May last year, I
encountered first-hand the devastation of the loss and the trauma associated with my first visit to the operating theatre for a D & C (dilation and curettage). Together with my reassuring husband and family, I worked through my grief to the point where a second attempt at pregnancy seemed possible for us. Six months later, I was presented with a blighted ovum. Surprisingly I didn’t
feel too disappointed. I was relieved that I could possibly fall pregnant again since I had convinced myself otherwise.
During this time, a wonderful couple - our close friends - was also attempting their first
pregnancy. She was feeling equally frustrated due to the irregularity of her period. One day she proclaimed that they had given up trying for a while. We agreed that peeing on a stick loses its novelty fairly quickly, particularly when only one line appears month after month fuelling the disappointment. I felt a slight sense of relief that someone in my social circle understood my
anguish around baby-making.
I started noticing pregnant women everywhere. At shopping malls. At work. There were
twins in prams wherever we went. I really want twins. I even stopped logging onto Facebook because every time I did, one of my old college mates was pregnant or had given birth to a bouncy boy or girl. It was all just too painful and I started thinking that I was being punished for something that I may have done in a past life!
Then one evening, we invited our close friends over for a drink. I was almost done making a light cocktail with cherry liqueur, when my friend came into the kitchen and inquired what was in the drink. She declined the offer even though we insisted. With an anxious look on her face, she blurted out that she had to see her gynae the next day. At first I didn’t understand. Then it clicked. She was pregnant. And my heart sank even further into its deep pit. I was truly happy
for them and proceeded to tell her so, but I was crying on the inside. I was all alone again in the wishful thinking obsessive baby-making department. And that’s when the monster came out. Every time we meet this happy couple and I see her maternal glow and growing belly, I feel an ache beyond my own recognition. As I smile and listen to the excitement in her voice, I have to
keep telling myself that my turn will come.
Sound familiar? I went back into my mind and heart and realized that as humans and as women, it is completely natural to be feeling these emotions. I knew that I had to find ways to overcome this monster or risk ruining a good friendship along with my sanity. Here’s what worked for me.
Focus on other areas of your life
Deflect your attention away from the pregnancies around you. Focus on your partner, work or family. Spending time with your pet, even in silence can have a wonderful restorative effect on your mental health. Women that have miscarried underestimate the stressful effects that
the trauma can have physically and emotionally. In a recent study by Dr Karen Allen at the State University of New York, it was found that pets stave off loneliness through their provision of unconditional love and comfort. This was shown to greatly reduce stress levels as well as buffer reactions to coping with future stress. If you are not an animal person consider getting involved in volunteer work. Reported benefits of volunteering include gaining a new appreciation for life by lifting the spirits of someone in need. This has been positively related to improved psychological wellbeing and physical health.
Get out of your routine
Get active - exercise releases endorphins which make you feel better about yourself. Re-energize your body by working on your eating habits. Create a new and exciting meal planner. If exercise and meal planning are too drastic a change for you, why not try pampering yourself for an afternoon or buying yourself something special. Whatever the change, your attention will be diverted.
Turn to your partner
Women often forget that their partners have also experienced the loss of a miscarriage. This is completely understandable given the physical connection of the pregnancy to the women’s body and hormones. However, it is highly likely that your partner may also feel the green-eyed monster rearing on hearing about his friends’ pregnant wives or girlfriends. He has also suffered the loss with you. Finding comfort in each other is a great way to reconnect and work towards a future healthy pregnancy.
Creative therapy
If you cannot turn to your partner and loathe the thought of seeking professional advice, why not try a form of creative therapy. Expressing your thoughts and feelings through writing in a
journal or painting onto a canvas can help with emotional off-loading. This can allow you to turn your focus to positive thoughts. Melissa Solorzana, a professional art therapist explains on her website, “Individuals who receive art therapy often increase their self-awareness and are better equipped to deal with their personal problems; be they stress-related, induced by traumatic
experience or some form of illness” (www.creativetherapysessions.com). Other forms of creative therapy include music therapy, clay work and collage. These forms of self-exploration may be less threatening and more reflective than other forms of therapy.
Turn towards your inner spirituality
Whatever your religious beliefs, beliefs in a greater power or the cyclical nature of life, find your inner spirit and the peace that you require to better deal with what life throws at you, including your friends’ pregnancies. If you have truly made peace with what has happened to you, it is easier to accept and share in the joy of others’ pregnancies, knowing full well that your
life path is unique. Women who miscarry often blame themselves for the loss. In order to heal start with forgiving yourself, then accept your situation and re-evaluate your future in order to move beyond the loss and grief, and yes, the jealousy.
Find enjoyable distractions
If all else fails, find things to do to distract yourself from having envious thoughts about your friends. Go to a good movie or spend hours in a bookstore to help lose your thoughts in another’s life. Spending a few hours doing something fun and exciting can sometimes trigger a positive change in your attitude towards life. If you find a past-time that causes a positive mind-shift, make sure to diarize on a regular basis. At the very least, it will give you something to look forward to each week or month.
I suppose I am lucky to have glimpsed a deeper insight into my psyche. I recognized the green monster and I’m consciously making an effort to keep it in check. I realize that it’s important to acknowledge that all I want is a baby (or two) and that any pregnant woman in my immediate parameter is going to make me envious. But until I find two red lines on my pee stick, I’ll stick with my distractions, thank you very much.
Mind Gym : Miscarriage and the Green-Eyed Monster
By Ishara Maharaj
Every year, thousands of women experience miscarriage. There’s no question that it is a disappointment like no other. As difficult as it can be, women get through it with the support
of their partners, families and close friends. Then one day, grief is replaced by a renewed positive outlook on pregnancy and the cycle of ovulation and fertility charting resumes. For a lucky few, the wait is not too long and a subsequent pregnancy brings joy once more. But for others, the wait becomes unbearable.
For months, these women watch their cycles and calculate ovulations only to be disappointed when Aunty Flo arrives. What happens to these women in their social circles? It is often the case that a group of friends are trying to conceive at similar times in their lives. So it’s little wonder that when all your friends are pregnant - except you - the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head.
Of course, you are happy for them, but it feels like they are rubbing it in your face and you just can‘t help your jealousy.
I speak from personal experience. Having miscarried at eleven weeks in May last year, I
encountered first-hand the devastation of the loss and the trauma associated with my first visit to the operating theatre for a D & C (dilation and curettage). Together with my reassuring husband and family, I worked through my grief to the point where a second attempt at pregnancy seemed possible for us. Six months later, I was presented with a blighted ovum. Surprisingly I didn’t
feel too disappointed. I was relieved that I could possibly fall pregnant again since I had convinced myself otherwise.
During this time, a wonderful couple - our close friends - was also attempting their first
pregnancy. She was feeling equally frustrated due to the irregularity of her period. One day she proclaimed that they had given up trying for a while. We agreed that peeing on a stick loses its novelty fairly quickly, particularly when only one line appears month after month fuelling the disappointment. I felt a slight sense of relief that someone in my social circle understood my
anguish around baby-making.
I started noticing pregnant women everywhere. At shopping malls. At work. There were
twins in prams wherever we went. I really want twins. I even stopped logging onto Facebook because every time I did, one of my old college mates was pregnant or had given birth to a bouncy boy or girl. It was all just too painful and I started thinking that I was being punished for something that I may have done in a past life!
Then one evening, we invited our close friends over for a drink. I was almost done making a light cocktail with cherry liqueur, when my friend came into the kitchen and inquired what was in the drink. She declined the offer even though we insisted. With an anxious look on her face, she blurted out that she had to see her gynae the next day. At first I didn’t understand. Then it clicked. She was pregnant. And my heart sank even further into its deep pit. I was truly happy
for them and proceeded to tell her so, but I was crying on the inside. I was all alone again in the wishful thinking obsessive baby-making department. And that’s when the monster came out. Every time we meet this happy couple and I see her maternal glow and growing belly, I feel an ache beyond my own recognition. As I smile and listen to the excitement in her voice, I have to
keep telling myself that my turn will come.
Sound familiar? I went back into my mind and heart and realized that as humans and as women, it is completely natural to be feeling these emotions. I knew that I had to find ways to overcome this monster or risk ruining a good friendship along with my sanity. Here’s what worked for me.
Focus on other areas of your life
Deflect your attention away from the pregnancies around you. Focus on your partner, work or family. Spending time with your pet, even in silence can have a wonderful restorative effect on your mental health. Women that have miscarried underestimate the stressful effects that
the trauma can have physically and emotionally. In a recent study by Dr Karen Allen at the State University of New York, it was found that pets stave off loneliness through their provision of unconditional love and comfort. This was shown to greatly reduce stress levels as well as buffer reactions to coping with future stress. If you are not an animal person consider getting involved in volunteer work. Reported benefits of volunteering include gaining a new appreciation for life by lifting the spirits of someone in need. This has been positively related to improved psychological wellbeing and physical health.
Get out of your routine
Get active - exercise releases endorphins which make you feel better about yourself. Re-energize your body by working on your eating habits. Create a new and exciting meal planner. If exercise and meal planning are too drastic a change for you, why not try pampering yourself for an afternoon or buying yourself something special. Whatever the change, your attention will be diverted.
Turn to your partner
Women often forget that their partners have also experienced the loss of a miscarriage. This is completely understandable given the physical connection of the pregnancy to the women’s body and hormones. However, it is highly likely that your partner may also feel the green-eyed monster rearing on hearing about his friends’ pregnant wives or girlfriends. He has also suffered the loss with you. Finding comfort in each other is a great way to reconnect and work towards a future healthy pregnancy.
Creative therapy
If you cannot turn to your partner and loathe the thought of seeking professional advice, why not try a form of creative therapy. Expressing your thoughts and feelings through writing in a
journal or painting onto a canvas can help with emotional off-loading. This can allow you to turn your focus to positive thoughts. Melissa Solorzana, a professional art therapist explains on her website, “Individuals who receive art therapy often increase their self-awareness and are better equipped to deal with their personal problems; be they stress-related, induced by traumatic
experience or some form of illness” (www.creativetherapysessions.com). Other forms of creative therapy include music therapy, clay work and collage. These forms of self-exploration may be less threatening and more reflective than other forms of therapy.
Turn towards your inner spirituality
Whatever your religious beliefs, beliefs in a greater power or the cyclical nature of life, find your inner spirit and the peace that you require to better deal with what life throws at you, including your friends’ pregnancies. If you have truly made peace with what has happened to you, it is easier to accept and share in the joy of others’ pregnancies, knowing full well that your
life path is unique. Women who miscarry often blame themselves for the loss. In order to heal start with forgiving yourself, then accept your situation and re-evaluate your future in order to move beyond the loss and grief, and yes, the jealousy.
Find enjoyable distractions
If all else fails, find things to do to distract yourself from having envious thoughts about your friends. Go to a good movie or spend hours in a bookstore to help lose your thoughts in another’s life. Spending a few hours doing something fun and exciting can sometimes trigger a positive change in your attitude towards life. If you find a past-time that causes a positive mind-shift, make sure to diarize on a regular basis. At the very least, it will give you something to look forward to each week or month.
I suppose I am lucky to have glimpsed a deeper insight into my psyche. I recognized the green monster and I’m consciously making an effort to keep it in check. I realize that it’s important to acknowledge that all I want is a baby (or two) and that any pregnant woman in my immediate parameter is going to make me envious. But until I find two red lines on my pee stick, I’ll stick with my distractions, thank you very much.
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